Operation OKCreepster

It all started with Robby. Robby is a friend of mine, and one of my favorite people ever. He’s tall, good looking, owns his own business, and all these details are completely unnecessary to share, but I want to make sure I talk him up. He texted a month or two ago, asking if I would be offended if he gave me a suggestion for the blog. I told him to go for it…because my blog sucks and I take whatever suggestions I can get. Then he dropped an idea bomb on me. THE IDEA OF ALL IDEAS….

Create a profile on OK Cupid, and create a blog series chronicling the creepsters I encounter. So wait, let me backtrack for a second. Do you know what OK Cupid is? OK Cupid is like…. a free version of Match.com. You can do everything on there… BUT FREE! Message people, post pictures, take quizzes, stalk people… it’s great fun. So I sat on the idea for a couple weeks, toying around with whether or not I wanted to devote time to manipulating and publicly humiliating people for my own gain… and ultimately I decided it’s for the good of the internet to share these things with you… so I give you OPERATION OKCREEPSTER.

I was sitting on my couch creating the profile, and I asked Kelsie to help me think of really cheesy usernames… you know like the ones from middle school where it’s like BrownEyedCutieButt48? I figure with a username like that, if someone clicks it and gives me the time of day, they have potential to be a total douche bag. So I felt it was a necessary tool for my internet tool belt. She suggested something with the word “Bootsy” in it, I can’t remember exactly, but it morphed into BooBoo in my head. My username is a cousin of that. I’m not giving it out, because…. well… I’m just not. I don’t want you freaks trying to internet date me.

All the information on the profile is actually me. And about me. I didn’t want to lie to people, or manipulate them into being creepy. I wanted them to be their creepy, natural selves, that way you guys don’t think I’m coaxing it out of them. I created a profile with some recent pictures of me, and answered the questions the way my charming, normal self would. Here’s what it says:

Little did I know that my “thinking about ways to successfully commit crimes” would be a CREEPSTER MAGNET. (Disclaimer: that is actually true about me. When I watch CSI I’m like “pftttt, rookie mistake! He didn’t even bring a spray bottle of bleach!” because I could totally murder someone and not get caught. Watch out, y’all). But…..oh my gosh, you guys. Some of these messages re: murder are amazing. And by amazing I mean really, REALLY scary. I’m saving most of those for a future mega-post… because first I want you to meet Dennis. Dennis and I are soul mates. Before you read our correspondence, I’d like you to know what he looks like…. both with AND without a shirt on underneath his awesome vest:

Now that you understand why Dennis and I are physically attracted to one another, I’d like you to see why we’re soul mates and shared an instant connection and chemistry that no one will understand, ever:

I am, at this point, speechless around Dennis, so I haven’t conjured up a response to him yet… but once I do, I will definitely let you guys know when the wedding is, and what we plan on naming our first child.

Here are some people that I DIDN’T have as much chemistry with…. like *redacted*cuddles, who has the most serious, solemn profile picture I’ve ever seen, especially for someone with such a fuzzy username. It’s also a little weird that he gave me murder advice:

And…. I think I’ll leave you with this one… who… SIDENOTE… is actually very attractive, regardless of how creepy he is:

After corresponding with these people, I felt a mixture of these two emotions:

What do you think? Should I keep doing this, or should I quit?

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT ACTUALLY INTERNET DATING. This profile set up solely for creepers. Think of it like that short To Catch a Predator… except this is like… To Catch A Creeper. I am the Chris Hansen of OkCupid.


7 responses

  1. Anonymous

    This post made me feel this way:

    May 16, 2012 at 6:41 PM

  2. KLJEAWIOGPJWAOPGJEWAGPOIJEWGIOPAWEGJAEGPOIJ

    I love that apparently the typical pic format for these guys is the “cell phone in the mirror” pic. I especially love that Dennis took his pic in a public bathroom while wearing a Confederate flag belt buckle. The choker + cross necklace combo in the vest with no shirt pic is SO SEXY.

    May 16, 2012 at 7:09 PM

    • I just realized that the poster next to him is different in each picture, and he’s not wearing the same belt, which means these were taken at different times… so he actually WORE THAT VEST OUT OF HIS HOME INTO PUBLIC. Twice. Shirtless.

      May 16, 2012 at 10:44 PM

  3. Anonymous

    Oh my goodness this just made my day!! Keep it up!! Hahahaha

    May 17, 2012 at 8:22 AM

  4. Kate

    Hahahaha. I’ve been doing this too.
    Though at times I actually actively creep. If someone looks like they might be a furry, I message them and say, “So what’s your name on FA?” lol. That typically makes for a hilarious conversation.

    May 17, 2012 at 8:59 AM

  5. Marc

    I just want you to know u r sooooooo witty. —– Do people really just randomly search and feel that they have something truly worth contributing? —– I guess now I have to ask myself that question, since I was compelled to retort. —– Thank you for the time.

    June 16, 2012 at 2:40 PM

  6. uptownmike

    I’m in tears!!! The spelling errors are classic but I really started rolling when I noticed he took these pics in a speedway bathroom. Those NFL BIC lighter pics gave him away… let alone the fact he’s taking his shirt off in the same place random ppl cop a squat… sidenote… grown men really shouldn’t be taking mirror pics smh

    October 23, 2012 at 8:46 PM

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