It all started with Robby. Robby is a friend of mine, and one of my favorite people ever. He’s tall, good looking, owns his own business, and all these details are completely unnecessary to share, but I want to make sure I talk him up. He texted a month or two ago, asking if I would be offended if he gave me a suggestion for the blog. I told him to go for it…because my blog sucks and I take whatever suggestions I can get. Then he dropped an idea bomb on me. THE IDEA OF ALL IDEAS….
Create a profile on OK Cupid, and create a blog series chronicling the creepsters I encounter. So wait, let me backtrack for a second. Do you know what OK Cupid is? OK Cupid is like…. a free version of Match.com. You can do everything on there… BUT FREE! Message people, post pictures, take quizzes, stalk people… it’s great fun. So I sat on the idea for a couple weeks, toying around with whether or not I wanted to devote time to manipulating and publicly humiliating people for my own gain… and ultimately I decided it’s for the good of the internet to share these things with you… so I give you OPERATION OKCREEPSTER.
I was sitting on my couch creating the profile, and I asked Kelsie to help me think of really cheesy usernames… you know like the ones from middle school where it’s like BrownEyedCutieButt48? I figure with a username like that, if someone clicks it and gives me the time of day, they have potential to be a total douche bag. So I felt it was a necessary tool for my internet tool belt. She suggested something with the word “Bootsy” in it, I can’t remember exactly, but it morphed into BooBoo in my head. My username is a cousin of that. I’m not giving it out, because…. well… I’m just not. I don’t want you freaks trying to internet date me.
All the information on the profile is actually me. And about me. I didn’t want to lie to people, or manipulate them into being creepy. I wanted them to be their creepy, natural selves, that way you guys don’t think I’m coaxing it out of them. I created a profile with some recent pictures of me, and answered the questions the way my charming, normal self would. Here’s what it says:
Little did I know that my “thinking about ways to successfully commit crimes” would be a CREEPSTER MAGNET. (Disclaimer: that is actually true about me. When I watch CSI I’m like “pftttt, rookie mistake! He didn’t even bring a spray bottle of bleach!” because I could totally murder someone and not get caught. Watch out, y’all). But…..oh my gosh, you guys. Some of these messages re: murder are amazing. And by amazing I mean really, REALLY scary. I’m saving most of those for a future mega-post… because first I want you to meet Dennis. Dennis and I are soul mates. Before you read our correspondence, I’d like you to know what he looks like…. both with AND without a shirt on underneath his awesome vest:
Now that you understand why Dennis and I are physically attracted to one another, I’d like you to see why we’re soul mates and shared an instant connection and chemistry that no one will understand, ever:
I am, at this point, speechless around Dennis, so I haven’t conjured up a response to him yet… but once I do, I will definitely let you guys know when the wedding is, and what we plan on naming our first child.
Here are some people that I DIDN’T have as much chemistry with…. like *redacted*cuddles, who has the most serious, solemn profile picture I’ve ever seen, especially for someone with such a fuzzy username. It’s also a little weird that he gave me murder advice:
And…. I think I’ll leave you with this one… who… SIDENOTE… is actually very attractive, regardless of how creepy he is:
After corresponding with these people, I felt a mixture of these two emotions:
What do you think? Should I keep doing this, or should I quit?
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT ACTUALLY INTERNET DATING. This profile set up solely for creepers. Think of it like that short To Catch a Predator… except this is like… To Catch A Creeper. I am the Chris Hansen of OkCupid.